I can’t wait to eat all that delicious turkey tomorrow. Turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and stuffing and carrots and string beans and PIE. All I care about anymore is food. I’m gaining approximately three pounds per day, and I love it. Love. Because everyone else in America is gaining weight right now too. There’s no way anyone currently trying to lose weight manages to actually do so this week. So give me more pie!

What’s a treadmill?