As lonely as I am, I don’t really want a relationship right now.

I don’t think I have ever not wanted a relationship, except during the healing process when my ex broke my heart. EVER. October 29th, let’s remember the day.

Kind of takes the meaning out of my life, right now. But I realized that anything I were to start, I would want to be long-term, because that’s just how I function. But I graduate in May, and I don’t want to be tied down in any way, especially for something that would be only seven months in the making. And that’s if I started a relationship today! I want to be able to do as I please and follow my dreams, and not have to compromise for someone else. Maybe it’s selfish, maybe I’m naive.

But I think the timing is just wrong. I’ve been single forever, and so so ready to be serious with someone again, so it pains and shocks me to realize that right now, I. Am. Not. Ready. After all this time waiting, my heart would not be ready to say goodbye.

I never foresaw anything serious cropping up soon anyway. But now I’m going to stop looking for it. It won’t be worth it.

October 29th. I just said love isn’t worth it.

Now that’s a first.

That smell. It’s so familiar, where does it come from? I can’t place it, in the physical sense, the here and now. It follows me, it’s evanescent, it comes and it goes. But in the meaningful sense, the then and never again, its place is ingrained in me forever. It’s in my blood, under my skin, on my lips. It’s you.

I find you in my sheets, where you haven’t lain. In my new room at my new place, in a different town, a different state. I find you there when my eyes are closed and the sun is away. I find myself in your arms, where I lay many times. In those same old clothes, with those same old songs playing. I find myself there when my eyes are closed and the sun is near.

You roll over and I awaken, and find that I’m smiling. I quickly remember I have nothing to smile about. I roll over and take a deep breath, desperate to find a trace of you again. But you’re gone. I can’t control when you show up. No point trying to sleep again, it won’t come. I throw my legs over the edge and put my head in my hands. No point trying to cry again, it won’t come.

The stark white of the bathroom and the bitter blandness of my morning coffee reinforce that this is my reality. No more bleary-eyed smiles or sweet kisses. No more finding you in the kitchen frying eggs a little too long for my liking. You’re gone. Forever. No more. Then and never again.

I have moved on, in the physical sense. The places where our memories were made are not places I frequent. I’ve abandoned them, like you abandoned me. I’ve passed mountains and rivers, crossed oceans and continents. But in the meaningful sense, I can’t get away from your face, from your touch, but especially from your smell. They hold on to me.

And when the sun is away and I close my eyes, I find you in my sheets and I hold on to you.

I’ve been struggling for the past few days, as if my text posts didn’t enumerate that clearly enough. It’s been a combination of a few things, and I’ve been dealing with it the only way I know how.

Doing nothing. Just letting my thoughts and my feelings get the best of me. I think I’m slowly getting a grip, though, and tomorrow should help a lot. I’m going to stay at the beach for a couple of days, right on the ocean in a little cottage that my family rents out every year.

I’m just going to take some time to relax, have some fun, drink lots of alcohol, and hopefully when I come back I can figure everything out with my personal life.

I don’t know why I am so dependent on other people.

In one sense, I’m quite independent. I like spending time with other people, but I thrive on having enough alone time, too. There’s definitely a balance that I try to maintain, when I can control it.

But in another sense, I’m massively codependent. All I really care about is finding someone else who I can share my life with. And it’s not because of society telling us we need to grow up and start a family as soon as possible. It’s because it’s the one thing I genuinely want more than anything else.

But why? I’m the one who takes care of my basic needs. I feed myself, clean myself, and I never leave my own side. I’m the only person who has always been and always will be a part of my life. I should be able to make myself happy.

But the simple truth of the matter is that I can’t. There are many things I am capable of, and making myself happy is not one of those things. I mean on a permanent basis. I can be happy for a few hours or for a day when I’m with friends, but it ends soon enough. It generally ends as soon as I am by myself. As soon as I have nothing to do but contemplate being alone.

So why, then, do I crave alone time as much as I long for someone else’s company? The one person who always has been and always will be, is the same person who makes me the most miserable.

I ache for the simplest of feelings. A hand in mine, little smiles for no reason at all, being able to share stupid moments without being thought of as stupid.

But mostly I ache to know, even when I am by myself, that I am not alone.

You’re three sides of my eight-sided circle, two lovers juxtaposed with doorways

So I’m talking to one of my friends whose boyfriend is pretty much breaking up with her, and she wrote this letter and sent it to him and it made me remember that after my most recent breakup, I wrote a really long heartfelt letter too. And that it did nothing to help. But it was stored somewhere on facebook, so I went looking for it. And now that all messages are consolidated on facebook, I just kept reading old stuff we had written each other, and I came across a poem.

I wrote it for my ex a long time ago. March 26th, 2009. It’s not all that good but it was heartfelt and it, along with all the other messages we sent back and forth, just makes me miss everything. I’ve been missing him a lot lately. Or at least missing having someone. Someone to miss, someone to miss me. Either way I’ve been kinda fragile about the whole “forever alone” thing.

I had my palms read at the beach a couple of weeks ago, after the reader was crazy specific about my younger cousin. Like, there’s-no-way-in-Hell-that-you’re-just-guessing specific. So naturally I wanted mine done. Unfortunately my reading was a lot more general, but still pretty accurate in certain ways. Apparently, however, I’m meant to be seeing someone at the moment. But I’m not. So she said that it’s supposed to happen very soon.

Well, I’m still waiting. Any takers?

I did have a date of sorts on Friday. He’s cute and we got along well and had a goodnight kiss and I want to see him again, but I’m cautious. I know very well that I’m going back to school in less than a month. So we’ll just have to see what happens.

I would really like to end this two-year losing streak.