As lonely as I am, I don’t really want a relationship right now.

I don’t think I have ever not wanted a relationship, except during the healing process when my ex broke my heart. EVER. October 29th, let’s remember the day.

Kind of takes the meaning out of my life, right now. But I realized that anything I were to start, I would want to be long-term, because that’s just how I function. But I graduate in May, and I don’t want to be tied down in any way, especially for something that would be only seven months in the making. And that’s if I started a relationship today! I want to be able to do as I please and follow my dreams, and not have to compromise for someone else. Maybe it’s selfish, maybe I’m naive.

But I think the timing is just wrong. I’ve been single forever, and so so ready to be serious with someone again, so it pains and shocks me to realize that right now, I. Am. Not. Ready. After all this time waiting, my heart would not be ready to say goodbye.

I never foresaw anything serious cropping up soon anyway. But now I’m going to stop looking for it. It won’t be worth it.

October 29th. I just said love isn’t worth it.

Now that’s a first.

It would almost slip out sometimes, when I wasn’t paying close enough attention to my words – the “L Bomb.” It tried several times to escape during that final, deep intake of breath at the end of a particularly hard laughing fit. It fought away from my lips that I could barely keep clasped together when we stared at each other late at night, struggling to control our teenage antics.

It caught me by surprise how soon I started thinking about you in that way, and I was sure you thought about me the same. But I didn’t want to give in, not just yet; I didn’t want to be that guy who fell in love too fast. There was no fighting it, though. I loved you just as much then as I did when I finally let it explode. And when that bomb went off, we stood together in awe of the effects. I remember the vibrant colors, and the rush of air as the world flew around us, and the feeling of your arm around my shoulder while we gazed forever upwards at the greatest spectacle of our lives.

I never expected the dust to settle so soon, covering my world with endless grays, when I had finally gotten used to the gold of your eyes. When I had finally started to believe I actually deserved to live in a world of color.

That smell. It’s so familiar, where does it come from? I can’t place it, in the physical sense, the here and now. It follows me, it’s evanescent, it comes and it goes. But in the meaningful sense, the then and never again, its place is ingrained in me forever. It’s in my blood, under my skin, on my lips. It’s you.

I find you in my sheets, where you haven’t lain. In my new room at my new place, in a different town, a different state. I find you there when my eyes are closed and the sun is away. I find myself in your arms, where I lay many times. In those same old clothes, with those same old songs playing. I find myself there when my eyes are closed and the sun is near.

You roll over and I awaken, and find that I’m smiling. I quickly remember I have nothing to smile about. I roll over and take a deep breath, desperate to find a trace of you again. But you’re gone. I can’t control when you show up. No point trying to sleep again, it won’t come. I throw my legs over the edge and put my head in my hands. No point trying to cry again, it won’t come.

The stark white of the bathroom and the bitter blandness of my morning coffee reinforce that this is my reality. No more bleary-eyed smiles or sweet kisses. No more finding you in the kitchen frying eggs a little too long for my liking. You’re gone. Forever. No more. Then and never again.

I have moved on, in the physical sense. The places where our memories were made are not places I frequent. I’ve abandoned them, like you abandoned me. I’ve passed mountains and rivers, crossed oceans and continents. But in the meaningful sense, I can’t get away from your face, from your touch, but especially from your smell. They hold on to me.

And when the sun is away and I close my eyes, I find you in my sheets and I hold on to you.

So I’m talking to one of my friends whose boyfriend is pretty much breaking up with her, and she wrote this letter and sent it to him and it made me remember that after my most recent breakup, I wrote a really long heartfelt letter too. And that it did nothing to help. But it was stored somewhere on facebook, so I went looking for it. And now that all messages are consolidated on facebook, I just kept reading old stuff we had written each other, and I came across a poem.

I wrote it for my ex a long time ago. March 26th, 2009. It’s not all that good but it was heartfelt and it, along with all the other messages we sent back and forth, just makes me miss everything. I’ve been missing him a lot lately. Or at least missing having someone. Someone to miss, someone to miss me. Either way I’ve been kinda fragile about the whole “forever alone” thing.

I had my palms read at the beach a couple of weeks ago, after the reader was crazy specific about my younger cousin. Like, there’s-no-way-in-Hell-that-you’re-just-guessing specific. So naturally I wanted mine done. Unfortunately my reading was a lot more general, but still pretty accurate in certain ways. Apparently, however, I’m meant to be seeing someone at the moment. But I’m not. So she said that it’s supposed to happen very soon.

Well, I’m still waiting. Any takers?

I did have a date of sorts on Friday. He’s cute and we got along well and had a goodnight kiss and I want to see him again, but I’m cautious. I know very well that I’m going back to school in less than a month. So we’ll just have to see what happens.

I would really like to end this two-year losing streak.

We were in New York City, hanging out for the first time post-breakup. This was probably bought on by the fact that until a few days ago, the last time I was in the city was with him. We were at some sort of pool party, I think. Just hanging out.

Eventually the party ends, and he invites me to another one happening somewhere else. So I agree to go, and as we’re leaving I realize that I’ve forgotten my jacket, so I go back to get it. When I get to the cars that are waiting to take us, there is no room for me. So I hold onto the side of the car, and I’m talking about how I don’t have to go, that I can just go home, I know how to take the train back by myself - I’ve done it before.

So we pull over and we’re definitely not in the city anymore, but out on some stretch of highway through a golden field. I climb off and begin to get emotional, because this was definitely not how I imagined it would be, seeing my ex again. So everyone starts hugging me. Like, everyone, I think a bus full of people even pulled over to hug me cause there were mad amounts of people, more than just those in the two cars.

Everyone except the one who matters, who just stands and watches. And then I leave. And then he leaves.

Dear B -

It’s been almost two years now, and here I am, stronger than ever. There were times where I was sure I wouldn’t make it, so certain that my heart would stop beating and I would just collapse to the ground of utter exhaustion. But it still beats, and I still stand. You broke my heart, and the part that hurt the most was that I could never say anything bad about you. Because you didn’t deserve that. You never did a bad thing to me beyond leaving.

I still think about you from time to time. Yes, I admit I miss you, and I always will, I think, because you were the one who showed me what it’s like to be happy. You were the one who showed me what it’s like to be loved, really loved. What I deserved, and what I didn’t.

It’s clear we weren’t meant to be together forever, and I can only wonder why, but our love was real and it meant something, and it was not a mistake. I hope you are able to take as much from being with me into the future as I am able to take from being with you. I hope you think about me from time to time.

And I hope you end up as happy as whoever ends up with you will be.

Love always,
Nick

severely disconcerting.

Especially when, in the dream, you’re fighting about what you supposedly broke up about. But in real life you broke up for a completely different reason.

Especially when, in the dream, you desperately want it to work out. But in real life you’re desperate for someone new.