One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four – I suck down drinks with a wince until I’m drunk enough to suck ‘em down and not wince. It’s Friday, the start of the weekend, and that means I’ve got a full week of shit to forget about, just like every other weekend that ever has been and probably ever will be. Tonight I won’t remember that exam I failed on Tuesday or that on Wednesday I cheated on my girlfriend for the second time. By midnight I won’t remember exactly how many drinks I’ve had or exactly what bar I’m at. I’ll forget that I was late on my rent payment yet again this month due to my total inability to save money for important things.

I’ll become the here and the now and the music and the lights and the laughter and the touching and the friendship and the youth. For a short period I’ll take my life into my own hands.

The thing about alcohol, though, is that it’s called a depressant for a reason. Once I come down, I’ll find myself down some alley or on some curb, my head in my hands and my girl rubbing my back and doing her best to stop my tears. But I won’t stop crying because all of a sudden I remember that exam I failed which is just the latest of many keeping me from graduating. I remember my continuing infidelity, my financial instability. But I especially remember the drunken car crash that killed my brother and left me without a scratch.

He was going to be a dad. He never knew. Kaila is 18 weeks old now, and she will never forgive me when she’s grown. Neither will her mother, or my own. My dad hasn’t spoken to me in over six months. He hates me, and I would hate me, too. I do hate me. I can’t blame any of them.

All I can do is try to forget, one drink at a time, one night at a time.

Tomorrow I can try again.

I’ve been struggling for the past few days, as if my text posts didn’t enumerate that clearly enough. It’s been a combination of a few things, and I’ve been dealing with it the only way I know how.

Doing nothing. Just letting my thoughts and my feelings get the best of me. I think I’m slowly getting a grip, though, and tomorrow should help a lot. I’m going to stay at the beach for a couple of days, right on the ocean in a little cottage that my family rents out every year.

I’m just going to take some time to relax, have some fun, drink lots of alcohol, and hopefully when I come back I can figure everything out with my personal life.

lol oops. I hate myself for not keeping up with this. It’s really quite easy, making short little blurbs about what’s going on. I even had a few in mind that I wanted to post previously, but now they are just obsolete. But I guess I can do a quick little roundup of the past week.

Lost a library book. Swore I remembered placing it somewhere and seeing it the next morning. Swore ghost stole it. Later found it hiding under a shirt on my bed. Still not sure I was the one who put it there.

Missing Australia and Sydney like crazy. In a drunken rage, almost purchased tickets to go back. Except even when under the influence I am smart.

Went to New York City for a day and hung out with my friends Elissa, Michael, and Grittney. Didn’t do anything out of the ordinary besides finally try bubble tea, but it was fun, and Elissa’s first time in the city. Terrible, terrible train ride home courtesy of approximately 30 drunken fools. Man in front of us said it was one of the worst train rides he’s had in 21 years.

Have decided to make an active effort to get tan. Will spend one hour in the sun each day. Just one, to avoid burning.

Wanted to be writing a lot this summer, but it just doesn’t look like that’s happening, does it?

Other than that, nothing special. Meh.

Today was my last day of classes at Sydney Uni. Classes don’t formally end until next Friday, but I got lucky and all of mine are done this week! I’m so excited to be back to having massive amounts of free time, so I can stop stressing about assignments. I still have a few more things to do (finals & final papers) but still, not having class makes it much easier.

On the other hand, though, it signals that my time here is rapidly coming to a close, which is definitely not something I am excited about.

Four more weeks, I swear I will make the most out of it.

Now it’s time to celebrate! Praying to not have a hangover tomorrow…

And I only recall the first 25 photos on my camera. What even happened to me last night?

I need a shower. And massive amounts of toast. I’ll probably be expected to go out again tonight. I cannot imagine putting more alcohol in my system in about 10 hours time.

But it must be done. Because this? This is Australia.

Get on my level.